let the little children come to me...

Last night I went to visit a friend at her place...mainly to meet and play with her two daughters.. they are 5 and 2.5 years old and my friend seemed rather surprised that I enjoy being with children so much...

while we were at the playground, it suddenly struck me that when I was at her eldest daughter's age, my parents had already starting leaving me alone at home...and my usual routine consists of waking up and then watching tv or playing and then getting ready for school and then going to school by myself... I looked at her little girl and I think my heart ached a little bit for the 5 year old me who had to do so many things without any adult supervision....we were holding their hands the whole time and they were totally free to be children and to cry and know that they'd be comforted by their mom..

Maybe the reason why I like children so much is that I think that they are very innocent and deserve all the love I can give them.... and also to prevent another child from going through the same pain I did and perhaps...(this is something which just occurred to me..)  reliving and healing my own childhood in the process?

The Next Best Thing...

so the Keeper knows about my passion for rearing our own chickens (mainly so that we'd be able to have fresh eggs daily..) but I've sorta given up the dream after reading about possible risks with handling live chickens during pregnancy...("sorta" 'cos who knows once we are done with kids, right? ;D)

so to celebrate our first wedding anniversary (yes, time flies!), he hasbooked accommodation in my favorite city in Kentucky (Louisville- where we had our engagement pictures taken...why favorite? Cos it's got heaps of interesting restaurants...!)

He found the place through airbnb and it's called 'The Harvest House' and the couple who live there rear their own chickens along with a bee hive (!!) and a veggie patch.....

ohhh........how I love my husband...*swoon*

Are you happy?

there's a friend I see fairly regularly and she's rather unique..she's carefree (on the surface) and childlike and frequently asks me questions that, coming out from another person, might put my defenses up but with her, I know that she is sincere and just wants to know the answer..

so her latest question was...."Are you happy?"

I paused for a while uncharacteristically (that's something my husband does- ponder carefully before speaking...) and she interjected, "why do you have to think one?!"

I think the truth is that it's been a while since I've thought about the question...and yes, I think I am happy.

and here's my fully fleshed out answer....

The basis of my 'happiness' lies on two tenets...

1. God is good. (Psalm 145:9)

2. God is in control. (Psalms 47:8)

Why two and not just either one?

If God is good but not in control, He is like a kindly old grandfather who is weak and incompetent and wrings His hands in frustration when bad things happen and I can't possibly go to Him for help and would have to cope and fight for myself...

If God is in control but not good, then He will be like a distant, unpredictable King who sometimes blows up.... and I'll be treading on tiptoes, not sure when He's going to be angry..

but if I firmly believe that God is good and in control, that He is a righteous and merciful Heavenly Father who makes all things work for the good of those who love Him...I am able to give thanks in all circumstances and rest well every night in the knowledge of His love and protection...

an afterthought I had to the the question was...I think I've never allowed myself to be happy.....

I was chubby as a kid and overweight as a teen and adult and I've always told myself, "I can only be happy when I am within a normal weight range."

In recent years when my weight was within the normal range, I then gave myself a specific number...I had to be that number on the scales to be happy...if my weight was above that, I did not give myself permission to be happy...and guess what, I only stayed at that figure for a couple of weeks and the number has been creeping up, along with the level of unhappiness..

but recently, it's finally ok...I've sorta worked it out.....I do enjoy my food and it is a simple equation...energy-in versus energy-out ...if I want to eat rich food, I'd have to expend a similar amount of calories..if not, then it's perfectly natural to gain weight...but it's ok..even when I gain weight, God loves me, my husband loves me and I love me...
I can cut back some and do a bit more exercise but not obsess about it...no longer do I get a huge emotion reaction of guilt and self-hatred when I step on weighing scales....nowadays, it's more of "meh..ok...let's do something about this.."

The other condition I gave myself was that I needed to have a 'good' relationship with my father..but again, guess what, that doesn't seem that possible and I felt like I tried so hard and prayed so long that it was hopeless.... but now I also realize that it's ok... I do not have to change him and the relationship does not have to look like one of the stories out of 'chicken soup for the soul' where daughters pour their hearts out to their fathers and hold hands and go on ice cream dates..he has his struggles and I have mine and I can just relax about the relationship... as long as I have tried my best and done everything in my power to honour him....then it's ok....

so maybe what I meant is that previously I had only allowed myself to be happy and content if things were exactly the way I want it to be..and I thought that life is meant to be a series of endless striving for newer and harder goals...

Another friend whom I respect a lot recently told me about an epiphany that he had....that happiness lies in the journey, not the destination...he thought he'd be happy if he had a certain house, his career went a certain way etc, but actually it was the journey that made him happy...the process of getting the house which molds his character and working hard at his job, developing his strengths and helping other people...

and I think should I should add too...after saying all these....that the goal of my life is not to be happy....,,

The goal of my life....*drumroll please* is to make God happy.....and true joy and peace is a by-product of that... ;)