Thursday, November 28, 2013

How not to throw a wedding dinner

In the vein of honest toddler...tips for parents on how to organize a wedding dinner to incur the most expenses and frustrate the highest number of people..

Lessons from my younger sister's wedding...

Seating plan. Who needs one? As mother of the bride, make sure you don't divulge any details to anyone even your closest family members about who you are going to invite and 3 hours before the dinner start, you only share the information under severe duress by the bridal couple and a very irate third daughter who loves law and order and then proceed to insist that toddlers don't count and put two families with 4 toddles requiring 4 toddler chairs at the same table, effectively rendering two seats void. In case we are not clear, one seat even if it is a Chinese restaurant, is a whopping $120...
And then you also ask the bridal couple if they'd like to do a tea ceremony a couple hours before the dinner and said you'd call the relatives on the spot to inform them and when they look at you in bewilderment, you brush it off and say,"don't have one then...that means that you don't get your Ang Paos.." Hence infuriating the couple who actually don't care very much about money and who just wanted to please you anyways..

As the father of the bride, one of the things that you can excel in is time management; you shout at everyone to hurry up and remind me that it would be disastrous if they were late but actually nobody is late, you are just making everyone tensed and agitated..and increasing the stress level wherever you go..you also insist on certain family members on not being present for the wedding festivities because of their horoscope...at the end of the dinner, you can also choose to complain about the food and also inaccessible location of the restaurant..


***
All said, the wedding still turned out pretty ok in the end...  and I guess both sets of parents can heave a collective sigh of relief and rest in the knowledge that my younger sister is now all ready to produce offspring... 

***

I thought I could learn from my younger sister's wedding and plan it better....my mom just dropped a bombshell...apparently my dad was so aghast that my younger sister didn't go ahead with the tea ceremony that he does not want to invite any of his relatives for my wedding... what??! and she asked if I could reduce the number of tables... man... who is this wedding dinner for anyway? mom is not excited about it...one of the most hurtful things she said was, "I'll only want to throw a wedding dinner if it's for a son.." (She doesn't have any sons by the way..) and now Dad doesn't want to invite his relatives... Dennis, I'm sure will be fine with not having the dinner and me, I think it's just a huge circus... and will be rather relieved not having to go through the parade...and so far, none of the overseas friends I've invited sound too thrilled about it (they were more excited when there wasn't a confirmed date..)..So for whom is this performance for?  

ahhh...God, you know that my heart's desire is to do the 'right' thing and to 'please' my parents...why is this so hard? Maybe sometimes the right things are not the easiest and issues in families get magnified, not diminished during 'happy' but extremely stressful events like weddings...
 
alright..soldiering on...and getting ready for the show.....

hairy tales

Aha...the wedding dinner venue has now been confirmed and the deposit paid.

Without any forceful speech or actions on my part, the restaurant manager honoured the previous conditions he offered and I went down to sign the contract a couple nights ago.

But so far, there isn't the sense of relief that I thought would follow..most probably cos formal wedding invites haven't been issued and I'm wondering even if I should dispatch wedding invitation cards....so far, I usually trash all the wedding invites I receive on the same day after taking down details of the date, time and venue..... but ok, it is sorta complusory...

If I sound quite depressed, it is because I am.

Had my hair straightened at my sister's salon on Sunday and the results are like....as if an existing home owner wants to have new curtains, he goes to a contractor who promises that the new curtains will look wonderful and he pays a hefty sum plus time investment and the new curtains turn out frayed, ugly and look much much worse than the old curtains....

Went back to the salon last night, not out of my own accord but mainly cos a friend and her husband wanted to get their hair cut there and asked me for dinner after that..(my original plan was to go home and sulk).. and my sister tried her best to salvage the straw-like filaments on my head and assured me that with a new shampoo and leave-in conditioner, it will be repaired soon...(I feel really resourceful usually but all the articles I've read online on the topic says the best solution is to chop it all off....and I'm prone to believe them..)

and then she gave me a call this morning to ask me if the hair feels any better and reminded me that if I 'obediently' used the shampoo, the hair will be fine soon....at that point, the fuse was ignited... 'obediently'??!...I don't feel culpable for the extent of the damage at all.....and it's as she's saying that I did something 'disobedient' to damage my own hair.....when the biggest mistake I made was trusting them!!!?(and ok, maybe the decision to straighten the hair...)

*sigh*

How can someone get so worked up over hair????

But every  morning when I run my fingers through my hair and it feels like the hair on a discarded barbie doll...I really want to cry.

This a truly a case of extreme back fire-ism.

The state of my hair shouldn't affect the wedding preparations/ dinner at all...since the hair style would most probably be a updo and frizzy hair stays together better (like Velcro you know..)...it's just the daily life and the sense of futility and stupidity....you mean I've invested so much time and money only to get fried coconut husks???

God, I need you to heal my hair....you can heal lepers, restore sight, hearing and speech, what's a few thousand hair folicles to you??

Hmmmm...but I guess the biggest thing that I'm grieving...is the loss of trust in my younger sister and my new brother and sister-in-laws...I know they have good intentions and she's really a good sister...and my main motivation to go to her salon regularly was so that I can build up a stronger relationship with her and the in laws before I leave for the states...and now the thought of going to the salon is such a dreadful one....I guess it's safe to say that I am traumatized...

God, I need so much help... help me to be wise and help me to forgive and to set my sights on the things which matter and remember that nothing is impossible with you...

Update 25th nov: hey! The hair has been fixed!! Not like coconut husks anymore!! And no longer upset with my sister and her husband.. :P rather amazing actually...to read a prayer written a fortnight again and go realize that it's been answered...

Letting the joy of the Lord be our strength...

There's something that I've been struggling with for such a long time that it's become 'normal'...and that I didn't realize that other people don't even consider it an option..

Come every November and December, I usually find myself in a funky state..things appear exceptionally gloomy and I start dreading January 3rd.. That's my birthday but for some reason, the weeks leading up to my birthday are the weeks that I start having the most morbid thoughts....(actually I do think that it has something to do with the fact that my mother didn't want a baby girl and was bitterly disappointed when I entered her world....I know this sounds really strange and illogical to some but hmm...I don't bear my mom any ill will but do believe that she's passed alot of her pain and disappointment to her daughters..)

I also struggle with dark thoughts during rough patches and attempted suicide once when I was 14 years old. It was over a really trivial incident- my best friend in school had decided that she didn't want to be my friend anymore and I stopped doing to school and one day became two days became two weeks and it seems as though there was no other recourse other than to end it all so I decided to gas myself...hauled the gas canister from the kitchen to my bedroom, switched on the air conditioner, sealed the door and drifted off to sleep...I remember feeling weak and not being able to turn off the tape player which seemed to be stuck playing the same song.. 

Next thing I knew, my dad was shaking me and trying to get me to wake up. I had turned on the gas around 9am and it was less than an hour later that he had returned home...he usually finished work around 2 pm but this day, he had a strong nagging feeling to return home earlier..
The next memory I had was my eldest sister slapping me and shouting at me and saying that I was being very selfish and I had hurt my mother deeply.

After that, my father and aunt took me to a doctor and pleaded for a medical certificate so that I can return to school without any major issues...

There was no counseling as far as I can remember...no one actually talked to me about why I had attempted suicide and I think my parents just took me to a temple medium for some rites and made me wear a metal talisman after the incident..

So fast forward to ages 26, 28, 29..I found myself still having thoughts of not existing and wishing to be in another place .....I was in a dead end relationship at 26, was going through a tough time at uni at 28 and had a rough patch at  work at 29....  

At age 29, I was single and working in a stressful environment and told a colleague that I felt as if life had dealt me a bad hand of cards and I did not wish to play anymore..I thought I would be only be happy if I was married and had a less stressful job ...
My colleague appeared very concerned and told me that I should play these cards till I win at them..

So this year..at age 33, married and working at a rather stable job, why do I still have these thoughts? I am supposed to be happy right? Afterall I have married the man of my dreams...so many prayers have come true...my job is not that stressful and I am planning the wedding dinner for next year and just waiting for a few more months before moving over to the States...and!! Am I not supposed to be a Christian? Why do I still get depressed! (Tim Keller did actually talk about Christians getting more depressed over the fact that they are depressed in one of his sermons...) And also, I have gone through inner healing...wasn't that supposed to help? Why do things still seem so hopeless? 

The darkness got so serious that I actually planned it down to intricate detail like the date and method..and I thought that it had to be on a date which is not significant for anyone close to me or some public holiday because I didn't want people to associate those dates with any extra sadness...

I felt like a fraudster and thought that I must not truly love my husband...because if I did, why would I prefer not existing and why would I not consider the immense pain that it will cause him...

We had a fight recently (totally unrelated to what I have written above) and he said that I was selfish...and I pointed out that in that particular instance, he was the one who was being selfish...(he agreed after thinking about it)
But I also said that indeed, maybe I was a much more selfish person..because in my mind, I already had those semi-concrete plans..

So we reconciled a few days later and one morning on the way to work, I was talking to God about the matter of wishing to not be on Earth anymore and came to the conclusion of "Alright, God, I don't want to live my life but You can live my life...use it whatever way you want...I will live to do your will."

I still felt like I needed to tell my husband...cos I don't wish to hide anything from him and also thought that such issues would benefit from airing and confession...they are difficult and sensitive to talk about but left in the dark, no help can be provided....... I wasn't sure what sort of a response he would give me...(now thinking back...I wonder what my first reaction would be if the tables have been turned...would I would felt betrayed? Upset? Angry at God that he has given me a spouse who seems to have so many issues..?)

I started off the conversation with telling him that I had something to confess and stating that suicide is the most selfish act possible...because it disregards the pain and feelings of anyone else in the world and told him what has been on my mind...

The Keeper looked really calm (but I could see the deep anguish in his eyes)....and he shared about the time he was a teenager and struggled with the same thoughts and stated that usually people think that the pain will stop when they end their lives but end up magnifying pain in the lives of everyone close to them...even people whom they didn't know well will experience the fall out...(my words: suicide is much like a nuclear plant disaster..) and it's just a very hard-to-redeem situation for everyone involved...he also talked about how for him, it seemed much easier to cope with physical pain but emotional torment is another issue altogether..

I'm truly grateful that he didn't take it personally and thought that I was having these thoughts because he had failed me in some way or because his love wasn't enough and that he chose to focus his eyes and thoughts on God and reminded me that God is in control....I told him of the sermon which I had heard earlier this year about how a baby is wired to receive maximum joy at age 9 months and if it stores up enough joy at this crucial time, it will grow up to be a well adjusted adult with ample reserves for coping with the storms of life...and I half joking said that (I was serious actually) maybe I didn't receive much joy as a baby so maybe that's why my emotional reserves are so shallow....and he said that he'd pray for God to heal the wounds inside and to fill the void with joy.

I have married a really really brave man.  
Thank you darling for being so strong. 
You are truly MY answered prayer. 
Thank you for sharing my burden with me..and not shying again from such a difficult conversation. I cannot emphasize how truly grateful I am for you. 

May God always be the head of our relationship. 

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Wedding dinner limbo

The venue and menu has been decided and now it's just awaiting the payment of the deposit and we're all good to go.

The date is 13th April 2014; it's a Sunday cos my mom says that she would be rather stressed out if the dinner is on Saturday...I said that the guests would be more relaxed on Saturday and also give more Ang Paos on Saturday (cos Saturday dinners are typically more expensive than other days- I was trying to appeal to her practical side..)...she turned her nose up at the latter suggestion and said that she would have to work on Sunday..she's be working on Saturday too...I guess the whole wedding dinner is for my parents anyway and I should respect her wishes...and it's true that she has longer working hours than any one else attending the dinner..

So! The program! We'd have the Chinese pastor from the church which I'm currently attending come preach and bless the marriage..I'm rather excited as he used to be a medium of sorts before turning 180 degrees and becoming a pastor and I hope that he'd share a little bit of his testimony...I don't know of any other Christians on either side of my parents' family so I will be praying from now that the Holy Spirit will start to soften their hearts to receive Christ.. 

That will be the best gift I can give my family before I leave...

Update: urgh. I might have jinxed the wedding venue by writing this post too soon..... Was supposed to go pay the deposit next Tuesday and requested for a draft of the contract- lthe assistant sales and catering manager emailed me a copy and I noted errors in the time of the wedding (she had wrote 12-4pm for a wedding dinner) and also an extra '0' in the cost of the set Muslim menu and also the number of complimentary hotel room nights that was agreed upon previously... During the face to face discussions with the assistant restaurant manager and the senior banquet manager, they had promised a number of perks including:

1. use of day room
2. two nights' stay in a club room (increased from 1 nights' stay deluxe room- the only difference in the club room is that it comes with free tapas and drinks at the bar from 5-8pm..)
3. dinner for the couple
4. food tasting for 10
5. choice of either 2 barrels of beer or fruit juice (I wasn't keen on either)
6. a pair 'special' pillows worth $276 (not interested too)

and then after the menu revision, I asked for a further discount and did not want sharks' fins on the menu- the assistant restaurant manager reverted with a slightly revised menu and said that he can't do the beer or fruit juice and I thought that it's fine, I didn't have to squeeze them dry and make things too difficult for them and just shrugged it off...

and in the draft, I thought that the assistant sales and catering manager has also made a mistake when it came to the rooms as it was one night instead of two....I told her nonchalantly that it was supposed to be two nights and she can check with her two colleagues...

Imagine my shock when she returned my call and said that both of them confirmed that they had only promised one night.... and I could choose from the use of the day room and one night or two nights with no day room....

hmm.

Not sure if they have bad memories or are trying to pull a fast one...

Spoke to a couple of people...a friend had suggested that if I should want to continue with the venue, I can suck it up and then write a non-glowing review for them after the dinner or also let them know that I will 'share' my experiences with them on forums...she thought that they were being rather dishonest...

my younger sister's opinion was that perhaps the assistant restaurant manager had over-promised during the negotiations and has been reprimanded by his superiors and now they need to rein it in...and she suggested that I go to a different vendor cos if the restaurant manager is so upset, he wouldn't be motivated to do a good job and everyone would be rather unhappy in the end...

her version calmed me down somewhat and I thought that it's rather true....so now I'm waiting for the restaurant manager to call me back to verify the facts and yeah, if it is so hard for him, and he's not happy to do my business, maybe I should take it else where...

Was really disconcerted and upset yesterday but this morning, I thought..."meh, God provided such a lovely wedding for us in Kentucky, He can do the same in Singapore.... if this venue does not come through, He will provide a better one."

So yeah...it's back to the drawing board....

criteria:
1. The food has to be yummy
2. Venue has to be pretty
3. Stage set up where everyone can easily see and listen to preaching :D
4. Relatively easy to get to

Hmmm. The other places that I am considering are My humble house at Esplanade- pricey but really nice food - need to check about stage set up.... or Majestic Restaurant at Gardens by the Bay- pretty place but a little bit challenging to get to and also more logistics to cordinate.....OR I can go to Ban Hiang- the best Hokkien restaurant in Singapore! OLD school....YUMMY food but no stage set up and rather dated.......hmmmmmmm. Oh well, it's an adventure....my friend asked if I'd be able to find another venue and I told her, "remember, you said I am resourceful?"

And I forgot to add...I also have a good God.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Slowly skimming away insecurities...

About three years ago, I met this guy (actually a more accurate term would be 'scumbag'..) and he seemed to fit perfectly the profile of what I wanted in a husband..things got really serious..he proposed, I accepted and the search started in earnest for a flat...but somehow things still didnt feel quite right and I prayed for God to show me his true colours and it turns out that he was really serious about the marriage alright.....so that he could get money from me to pay for the flat...yeah, it was a rather tragic story and everyone tells me how fortunate I am that I found out before the wedding.....and I guess, that's also one of the reasons why everyone is so happy that I am now married to a fantastic guy..

So this week, the Keeper told me that the bank's called him about refinancing our house and the rates are rather favorable and will allow us to finish paying off the mortgage 4 years earlier.. 

And then he tells me that my signature is needed on the documents as well..

Unbeknownst to him, major alarm bells start ringing...

So I asked why my signature is required...

He replied simply.."it's state law."

Not satisfied, I asked again after a while..

He replied this time: "because you're my wife."

I said something which as soon as it left my mouth, words I couldn't quite believe too..

"So I have to pay for the house if you run away?"

He looked rather bemused and said.."well, I wouldn't put it that way...the insurance covers all that....it's  more like, the house would still belong to you if anything happened to me..."

Thank you God for giving me a extremely calm husband who does not take offense easily...and gently bringing painful parts of my past to the surface so that they can be healed..

Hoarding..

Strange how sometimes lessons learnt years ago can be so deeply etched in the mind...the first church I attended had a lot of 'equipping' classes and in one of them, I can't remember the title now..we learnt about changing behaviors...the class was taught by a couple - pastors married to each other- and they used a real life example..and the handle was 'ABCD'...

Activating incident : both return from work- the husband grabs the newspapers and sits on the couch and reads it for 30 minutes..wife starts doing housework immediately...

Belief system : wife believes that if a husband does not help out with housework immediately, he does not care about her..

Consequential feeling : she feels angry and upset..

Decisive action: wife becomes very snappy and they start fighting for no particular reason..

After talking things through, the wife found out that her husband needs the down time but is more than happy to help her once he's done that...and she becomes much more relaxed and peace is restored in the household..

Sounds rather easy to understand and remember right? 

So recently I realized that I have been shopping slightly excessively (as if the world was coming to an end..) and wondered what was wrong..

Something about moving to a different country and not being working and not having my own income terrifies me...
I thought I had already addressed this issue and had settled it my heart to trust God to provide and not to look to man (even thought the man is my husband..) for my financial security, it still caused me to shed more than a few tears..

the underlying belief was : "my husband won't be happy to provide or me.."

The resulting feeling was fear and horror..(for someone whose love language is gifts...materialistic stuff can be seem too important..)

And the consequential action was: "let me now buy all the things I need and do all the beauty treatments I can with my own money so that I would not have to rely or ask my husband when I move after.."

So the logical solution?

Change the underlying belief..

I did tell my husband about my insecurities and he has made it crystal clear that it's OUR money even though if he's the one working (outside the home) and that all of our money is a blessing from God and we are stewards of His blessings... And that he trusts me to be wise and thoughtful in spending... 

New belief: "My husband will take care of me and provide for all that we need as we trust and submit to God in all things."

Hmm.